Nothing New

Hey.. so just a quick update.. since it's after midnight I'm officially on CD 11.. just waiting to O. I started charting this cycle.. my temp.. cm and cp.. so hopefully that works out for us..

Jeff is scheduling a new SA for after I O.. so *fingers crossed* that it's good results this time.. I'm really hoping last time was like a fluke or something.. But either way we'll get through it.

Well that's really all I have to update about.. lol I'll write more after I O. When I'm in the dreaded 2ww. :0)

I want to cry.

I really just want to cry right now... I know we've only been TTC for 4 cycles now.. but after just finding out we have MFI and everything I'm feeling with that I'm really emotional right now. I don't really have anyone to talk to about it so I figured why not blog.

I'm freaking so sad.. All these girls who JUST started trying.. or weren't really trying end up pregnant right away.. ALL I ever wanted was to get pregnant. and it might not happen at all. I really just want to cry.

Why not us? Will I ever get to feel that joy?. I can't even talk to Jeff about this because I don't want to make him feel bad at all. It's not his fault. *sigh*

I can't even really feel happy for anyone right now.. I'm just kind of numb. It sounds so mean and heartless. But it's just not freaking fair.. *sigh*

*sigh*

So Jeff and I argued all weekend pretty bad.. He was just throwing things at me out of nowhere.. About how he wants to stay in the Navy for 20yrs.. how he wants to be Seal.. doesn't want children for a few years.. and some other things.. I was completely shocked.. cuz well we've talked about all of this and I had thought we'd come to our decisions... I spent most of the weekend crying in bed because I thought he was just done with me..

Well today he finally writes me a note and lets me know that he had a SA done at Urology and his count is really low. The doctor said something about childhood obesity killing some of the glands or something like that.. He was pretty torn up about that. He got it done almost a month ago and never told me.. I feel horrible that he felt as if he couldn't confide in me. What does that say about me?.

Anyway we talked about it all. Least as much as we could. And we've decided to let everything work it self out. I love him more than anything and I'm not going to leave him because there's a chance we may never be able to have kids naturally. If it comes to IUI or IVF then we'll do that. We talked about the military also and I've agreed to let him stay in as long as he wants.. just not as a SEAL.. that was his little compromise.. lol.

I'm not going to lie.. I am pretty tore up about this. I've always wanted children. I've always wanted to be a mommy.. But I love my husband and I couldn't imagine my life without him in it. I don't want kids with anyone else but him.

So we're going to keep on trying.. I started charting this month to know exactly when I O. I asked him to get another SA done. I've researched MFI a little bit.. so hopefully we'll get some good news when he gets a second opinion. IDK this really sucks.. But we'll get through it.

Af showed

Well AF showed up yesterday morning full force.. *sigh*. O well.. I don't even know if we're going to try this next cycle.. we've been arguing... So we may take a break and try and sort some things out.. *sigh*. I don't think it's ever going to happen.

03/13/2008

So still no AF.. kinda frustrated with that.. 3 tests have come up negative... I had a small dot of brown spotting the other day... but nothing else since then.. I guess I've been having some symptoms of pg/AF..

~ sensitive boobs
~ pulling/tugging feeling in lower stomach/pelvic area
~ cramping
~ more creamy CM than normal
~ tired a lot
~ grumpy
~ hot flashes
~ thirsty

I think that's all.. I think if AF doesn't show up next week I'm going to call my doc and possibly get some bloodwork done.. this is just too odd... *sigh*.